2 pints of beer
a "washington apple" shot
a jello shot
Back in the saddle again.
2 pints of beer
I feel so high right now I can even touch the sky,.....here I come again, gotta have Kaya now Kaya Kaya.
My wife really wanted me to go see this traveling Lama speak at night but I was still in the major funk. I even took a few bonghits in the middle of the day. It got me real high and although I was high I was feeling funky because I just couldn't make it cold turkey. I thought, I have no will power, I have been consumed by attachments, I'm going to have to live through this hell again and again until I can let it all go. How sad. Then when my wife left, I found myself falling back into grumpiness and irritability so I took another bonghit and that was it. My mood was elevated, I became real present with my kids needs, we played we laughed, we ate veggie hot dog cheese melts (a true stoners menu item). I told the boys exciting imaginative stories,...I felt good, like the best I've felt in three days. When my wife returned, I was in bliss eating popcorn with the little one who stayed awake. My wife returned in bliss having successfully meditated for the first time. And I told her good night and fell right to sleep just like the good ole days, I got a great night of uninterrupted sleep. I was back in love again.
Well, I just got back from the dissolution of a sand mandala. The Lama spoke about attachments, I thought about herb. The day before I got acupuncture hoping for some fix, several pricks later and a bunch of Chinese herbs and still no effect. The acupuncturist spoke about my condition as a relationship. In relationships we often lose ourselves especially when the relationship is abusive. I am in day four of complete sobriety and let me tell you it absolutely sucks. It's like I just broke up with my lady and all I can do is be bummed all day and stay awake all night. Last night my wife went out and I was left with the kids, I immediately went to the stash only to find that my dear wife took everything and hid it! Oh dude, I was crushed. Akin to having to take a big shit and struggling to get to the bathroom, only to find someone occupying the only stool. I told my wife that I'm so miserable that I'm really to go to the Western Med doctor and say hook me up with whatever it takes to get me through just another day. Her response is I rather you smoke herb than take pharmaceuticals. Great, but I'm one who can't just enjoy it now and then, I need it 24/7! I thought about a change of jobs to somehow renew my spirits and energy, so I got a line on this sweet job via the "good ole boy network". I requested an application and sure enough when it arrived it came with a form to submit to drug testing!
I realized, despite the high ambitions of going sober and without herb, it's just not a practical reality. I've been using herb daily since roughly 1985,...that's twenty years! Some of those years I would count as using hourly, not just daily and then of course there was two significant phases of sobriety,...trying to get a job in Oregon where I thought for sure they would test me and when I got a job and they asked me to simply sign a paper saying that I was drug-free, boy was I pissed (no pun intended). Then after Brent from the Grateful Dead died and they ended up with what's his face, Vince and the tunes like Long Way to Go Home and Samba in the Rain, I decided that the Dead contributed to my drug use and since they were at the time sucking even on drugs, I took a break from both and skipped out on the 91' West Coast tour.
So I was given some time to chill at home as a part of our attempts to reduce stress and renew myself. I found myself in the last couple days listening to a lot of Neil Young, Elvis, and James Taylor. I saw the pattern, all the musicians struggled throughout their careers with their own addictions and here I was feeling their pain, feeling the jones. I poured out all my herb,...no not down the drain,...but rather on a table. I admired the various nugs in the sunshine, even outside the herb was stinky and a bit sticky, I couldn't resist, I got out the bubbler and tried to create my own Amsterdam scene. Outside table under the shade of the bright and beautiful day, iced green tea, bubbler and a small heap of Northern Cali green bud with James Taylor singing,
I'm a strugglin' man and I've got to move on,......but what happens when you are sitting on a half ounce of kind bud and choose to take a break? I can't take knowing that I have all this herb as I'm trying to not get high, it's torture!! I know herb is not physically addictive but I simply cannot sleep without and I can't stop thinking about what shall I do with my current herb stash. Bottomline, it's easier to quit when you are out and have no smoking utinsils. How did I get to this place? I'm just miserable. I think I remember this feeling when I stopped 6 and a half years ago. Of course, after I realized that I wasn't going to get drug tested, I still got high now and then but pretty much stopped for a few months. I thought about smoking the entire amount in one sitting like what I've heard people do to kids when they get caught smoking cigarettes. It would be a challenge even for a pro like me. Of course I could blend it all up and make one batch of Bhang and/or brownies. I would probably just get so high that I would fall asleep and stay asleep for a day or two. Then I think of all those jonesers right now wishing they had just one bonghit, and all my friends who would surely take this heavy load of me. The more I talk about it the more I just want to say,...excuse me while I light my sliff, ohhh man I've gotta take a lift,...although if I could sleep tonight it would represent a completely sober day,...I guess since it's 12:30am I technically spent my first day sober in over years! Let's celebrate! Where's the bong!?!
I can't figure out if I'm sick or just strung out.
So I discovered that users who turn pro early in their lives mess up their brain's abillity to produce seratonin. Primarily because psychoactive drugs mimic seratonin, and when your getting high all the time, your brain thinks,"why bother with producing seratonin?" Seratonin by the way, makes you feel good, like taking five straight bonghits. So what little seratonin my brain makes naturally is quickly depleted, on weekends that just means wake and bake, during weekdays that means I turn into type A dick and I'm jonesing to get high by the time I get home. Feeding my brain herb works, but it doesn't really address the seratonin production issue. I'm going to try to find a way to get my brain working again at producing seratonin. I'll try to reduce my stress which depletes the seratonin, I'll eat well and get good sleep each night. I'll spend time alone for my own down time and take up Yoga.
After spending the weekend under the influence of poppy tea and endless bonghits,...Monday came around. Monday's are frightening. I'm constipated from the poppies and I feel like throwing up continuially. This is not to mention the whole world seeming not real, like some bad independent movie which I am one of the stars. I go through the motions sensing a real disconnect. It's survival at best. No amount of tea in the world can pull me out of the dreamlike qualities of a Monday. I panic over money, I panic over career moves, I panic over the endurance, I panic over being known as someone I'm not.
I saw a T-shirt someone was wearing,...it said," I love(heart) Vicodine" I don't really care for Vicodine but I did think the shirt was awesome. Which led me to Bubba's suggestion of Jahjahfue T-shirts. What would it say? I love Ganja - jahjahfue. How about "Team jahjahfue?" or "who feels it knows it,...jahjahfue"
Family on brownies creates this Independent film quality reality. Strange at times, quite entertaining overall, and nothing personal. Meanwhile, my dear wife is suffering from the wine induced relatives who know what you need, what you should be doing and exactly how you need to discipline your children. For full effect I put on Pink Martini full blast and share that I love everyone and that I'm grateful that there are people out there who love our children. I'm entertained but after the brief announcement, they go back to everyone talking and nobody listening. My wife comes to me and says, "how many brownies have you had?" I think she must have seen the dent I put in the bag of brownies or perhaps she thought I was getting too out there for the mainstream crowd. I reply, "In the last hour? or cumulative daily totals?"
With another round of relatives I had to make some ganja food to survive on for three days. So I decided to go with brownies. Problem was, I had no shake, just the crystally, kind kind, fresh, Nor Cal, crippler bud. Not really a problem per se, but it does hurt a bit to grind up the herb, knowing I'll never get to enjoy the flavor and aroma part. My man cringes when he hears me tell him that I grind up the herb.