Saturday, April 30, 2005


You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline -- it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.
--- Frank Zappa

I believe, if we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class. There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall into this vice.
--- Abraham Lincoln

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
--- Dean Martin

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
--- Winston Churchill

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--- Ernest Hemmingway

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
--- George Burns

Friday, April 29, 2005

Quotes of Support

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Paul Hornung

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Lyndon B. Johnson

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin

and my personal favorite,....

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. " Babe Ruth

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I'm on drugs

I'm on drugs. I love drugs. Yet I'm indifferent about it.

Tonight I have taken two vicodin. Two Mai Tai's. 3-4 bowls of kind. A few glasses of wine. And I should be passed out by now. Instead I know I am fucked. I laugh. Boy do I laugh. Let me smoke a few more for you all.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Free Tea See Me Be

When Pete's decided to celebrate its' anniversary by giving out free tea and coffee they probably didn't anticipate people like myself to spend an entire weekend taking bonghits, gulping down Bhang, and ordering free tea. I was even bringing my kid in there with me so that I could double fist the hot pots of loose tea. "Yeah, I'll take the Russian Black and my son will take Assam Golden Tip." Then I hook him up with the free chocolate and water while I drink my tea which my wife describes as nothing more than a vehicle to consume sugar and milk. Every chance I had I'ld say, "Let's go back to Pete's then maybe that store will be open, let's put our name on the wait list then go to Pete's, hey let's go to Pete's and call it lunch!" It didn't matter that I went in there fifty times, it was all free! It was made even better when the local health food store decided to celebrate Earth Day by having a reggae band play for free in its' parking lot. If that wasn't enough you could go in and graze the endless free samples throughout the store!
We have been on this Jack Johnson Marathon, even our four year old has his favorite Jack Johnson songs. His music is sweet and makes you feel all thiry-something.
Current drug of choice: Herb and Black tea
Current Book: Holidays on Ice - David Sedaris
Current Favorite DVD: Thicker Than Water

Weekend Total: Roughly 3.5 grams of herb - Bhang and Bonghits.

Friday, April 22, 2005

a 420 to remember to forget

I wouldn't expect 420 to have gained so much popularity. Last April 20th the day at work was spent chaisng downs rumors of kids smoking pot, bring pot to school and those sent to the office for writing marijuana related poetry and/or 420 on their hands. It was a coming out party, I smoke pot, you smoke pot, lets party later! The irony of course was that I was the biggest pot smoker of them all!,...drugs are bad mmm o.k. So when I was tipped off that their was pot in the girls bathroom, I was all over it. I discovered a baggie and an altoids container full of nice sticky smelly dark green nuggets. The nano second decsion I made was to recover the baggie and bring it back but pocket the altoids container altogether. Way sketchy, but the opportunity to smoke a different strain was overpowering my morals and ethics. Later that day, being late (it was 4:45) I proceeded to drive home. Being much skilled at the art, I tore the sticky bud apart and rolled a number for the road while driving. Once I completed a nice tight joint I looked in my rearview mirror to make sure noone was looking as I lit up but there it was, not a cop, but my boss! Oh the chances of that happening, good thing I didn't light up right then. Once he turned off to his house, I lit to fine doob and got real high way before I was half way through. It was a slight creeper but really packed the full body high wallup. I got home and shared with my wife how painful it was to flush the remaining buds that were in the baggie down the toilet, then I busted out the altoids container, she was pleased and took a few bts herself. We celebrated 420, blasting Jack Johnson and dancing the night away. It was weird to smoke someone elses herb, because I am used to smoking the same strain from the same person who knows the details of the production process (norcal indough). But like water who quiches the thrist of everyone, despite who they are or what they do for a living. In my world Herb heals the soul no matter who smokes it or where it came from.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


Meanwhile, I haven't drank alcohol since the day after my puking out the car door incident. But I didn't even flinch when I bought my monthly supply of 25 grams of herb. It wasn't the amount, it was the price. You got to love it to know a big herb dealer for decades, they don't even really know how to charge you so I get a good deal always. This time the herb was even better than the last time, light green crystalized and stinky seedless. After getting the stuff I went to search out papers only to strike out in two stores before finding a tabacco store. I go in to get my papers when I recognize a parent from the school I work at. It was awkward but fortunately we had gotten high together on two occasions so it was no big deal. Hemp rolling papers please! I call out to the Indian man running the store. It was a good thing that I knew the parent, he is the only one who knows that I at least get high now and again. Speaking of which I rolled a spliff while driving down from the foothills and smoked it to my head by the time I got out of the mountains. I was baked, reeking, and feeling good. I thought about the special skills I had, rolling doobies while driving, opening beer caps with lighters and spoons, avoiding the pitfalls of my own addiction. I got home just in time for my wife and I to get high (via glass bong hits of the fresh herb) together, we sat together watching our kids do a talent show (playing yo yos and lip synching Jack Johnson) then we all watched Thicker Than Water it's a nice and stoney surf video.
Happiness is a visit to your man, stoking you out with some kind kind, and bringing it home to share the irie vibration.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

And the Cradle Will Rock

It's Sunday, 2:47 AM and I just woke up from having passed out from an early night of drinking. Now I'm totally loaded after smoking a big fat bowl. It all began around 3:00 PM, a couple hours after my return from Long Beach. I was on a home hunt and figured I would take a friends suggestion and look in the Wrigley area of downtown Long Beach. I had lived down in that area when I was 21. It wasn't a good area then and it's not a good area now. There are lot's of nice houses but I could just hear the clamor of gunshots against the hum of the night. The city is supposed to be 'upgrading' with all of it's redevelopment money. Aside from a few new restaurants I couldn't see any visible upgrades except a bigger, angrier population. I'm looking in North Long Beach tomorrow. Actually it would be today wouldn't it? When I got back home, I took a piss, sat down, started looking for more listings on the internet. About 10 minutes go by and my ex-housemate walks in and tells me that two kids were about to walk into the house before he caught them. He supposedly scared them off by saying that the owner shot a couple people for trespassing about 3 years ago.

The place I live looks like a Tiki Lounge. A perfect place to make a Mai Tai. I take that back. It's a perfect place to make several Mai Tai's. In fact, that has been the drink as of late. Mai Tai's with strong rum. I lose time when I drink. Everything seems to fast forward very quickly. Then I pass out, wake up and try to trace the sequence of events before passing out. For me it was waking up to find a full pint of beer next to my bed. I took a swig. It was warm. Then I noticed that my breath reeked. It must have been the pasta meal with a ton of garlic that I don't recall making. Had it not been for the stack of dishes in the sink and the marinara and pesto splattered on the counter, I would have never remembered.

One thing I've noticed lately is that I don't wake up with hangovers anymore. I can drink beers, wine and then start pouring down the whiskey. Then next day... sure I feel a little groggy but am I puking? No. Am I contorted in pain from a jack hammer headache? No. It's as if all my organs know precisely how to metabolize the alcohol now. After years of hard training it knows the most effecient method of taking that alcohol and storing it away. Storing it away like a squirrel does right before winter. With that thought, I'm going to make myself another drink...

Saturday, April 16, 2005


I went to Oakland Colusium to see a Wiggles show. I thought it would be nice to see a live show with my kids completely sober, but the Oakland Colusium brought up too many Grateful Dead memories for me to be sober. Consequently, I downed a batch of Bhang and by showtime, I had the familar buzz, the perma grin, but the dead didn't come out, instead it was a group from Austrila, singing kids songs. We weren't on Phil side but they were floor seats. There was no intermission to lose your mind just a straight two hour set with 22 songs. I wrote them down religiously as if I was keeping up with a Dead Show. My God they played Fruit Salad right into Where's Jeff?! Did I hear a Stairway to Heaven tease?!?! I was in my own world.
My kids rushed the stage and moshed with the other toddlers, fortunately dear wife was with them as I melted to the floor somewhere around song number 9. We drove straight back home after the show, no shakedown street, no hippies asking for free stuff, just a bunch of yuppy middle class white people, looked like a mini van convention leaving the place!
My kids had a blast, we talked about going on Wiggle Tour just on the West coast but wasn't sure if they were playing different songs at each venue, then figured that veggie burrittos wouldn't go over too well, oh well, we'll just have to miss the rest of this tour perhaps they'll come back soon.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Don't Try No Doze, Keep a Klean Nose

When I was a kid I liked to explore. I also liked to go to extremes, like seeing how many laps I could swim underwater without taking a breath. Thrills were intoxicating, from boogie boarding Pipeline to taking three foot bong hits at the summit of Mt. Shasta. My experiences lended me well in a humanistic psychology college course, when I argued that Maslow missed an important human need within us all. Food, Water, Shelter, and intoxication. Yeah that's right we all have a need for a diversion from reality, which is viewed as an intoxicating state of mind. Well I enjoy diversions whenever possible, and when I was offered a "class 4"? Substance today at work, I didn't flinch. It was a prescribed pill that was described as an "appetite suppressant" and recommended only taking half and see how that goes. All because she said I looked tired I have something that can help. I was thinking my tired look had more to do with taking 15 bonghits late the night before trying to come down off the copious amounts of Black Tea. Anyhow, I break it front of her and swallow it down only to complete the other half the minute she left, this time grinding it down to a paste and washed down with Black Tea. By noon I was figuring out the reasons why this colleague talks up a storm. They are on this, floaty speed all day. And what a wonderful place to be! At work! How can I help you? Have a Great day! This job rocks! Great to meet you and thank you for your support! I had turned into one of those,......talkers, you know they don't stop and you wonder if they know that they are dominating the conversation?! On and On,...I couldn't help myself, and then the product, I was jamming, multi squared tasking cranking out work. By the end of the day, I worked two hours over! Organizing my office space! Then at 6pm I leave I eat solid food for the first time after taking four bong hits to come down. Feelings speedy is fun but hard having it run it's course through your body. I think, I picked a great time to go dry, a cold beer would surely,,.....the longer I go the longer I feel it's gravitational pull, so here I sit, listening to a bootleg show from 1976 of Neil Young with Crazy Horse,..taking beyond-counting number of bong hits, rambling,...

Monday, April 11, 2005

My Living Will

I, jahjahfue, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer or bong hit, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own fucking business and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma. Under no circumstances shall any politician butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too. If anyone goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Bhang Bhang

I like to measure the herb in Bhang in a way that would suggest me smoking the same amount, so if I used enough to roll a joint and made bhang with it then the total liquid amount would equal the high comparable to a joint, in other words there is no clear way to measure Bhang and you never really know how strong it is, until usually you have consumed too much and it hits you like a frieght train.
Grind the herb in a coffee grinder for optimal results, however I have just broken up bud with my fingers and it still worked. The amount again is up to you, I say a minimum of a joint's worth and granted, not all herb was created equal. Put the herb in enough water to simmer for 5-9 minutes without it drying up into sludge. More water just means more to drink, it doesn't hurt to put too much but too little can create some impleasant odors in the kitchen (as it burns the pan!)
Then add milk or soymilk, I always use soy milk but found regular milk to work way better. I uausally never drink milk and so I preferred the flavor of the soymilk but the effects seemed stronger with milk, and rightfully so, milk has way more fat than soymilk and fat is what the THC binds with. I also put in a table spoon or two of liquid Lithicin (Sp?) not mandatory but it adds to the fat levels and it's good for you brain food.
Gently Simmer the milk/water/herb mixure for 10-15 minutes
Add a tea bag, or chop up some ginger and make a chai tasting drink or leave it plain which is an aquired taste. First timers I recommend a nice strong black tea (hippie speedball).
When that's done you are done. You can drink it all down or put it in a jar and sip it for days out of the refrigerator.
As always I recommend a lot of herb (like enough to roll about three joints) just to make it really strong, that way you can get the dosage down to a single gulp.
The beauty is that if you drink too much you just go to sleep. The drink does make my eyes way blazed, so if you are planning to be out in public high as a kite I recommend Clear eyes or Visine. It's my drug of choice because it's discrete and strong enough to feel like the serious opiate. I recommend trying it on a weekend day that you plan on communing with nature. Drinking it at night is a waste and often leaves you groggy in the morning. Also drink with caution, you can always drink more and remember that ingesting herb takes time, I can't tell you how many times I drank twice the amount that I had earlier ingested only to feel it right after taking the second dose!
I successfully attended a drinking social function without drinking alcohol. Even after the chairperson said, well lets get you a beer or something. I felt like a sissy drinking my iced tea, but a real man for having it in me to say not yet. (note: "Not yet" allows for no guilt when I do go back to it) I've noticed no significant difference not drinking, I still crave beer when I get hungry, but enjoy the money saving of not drinking, of course I do not see extra money I just know that I'm not blowing roughly 35 bucks a week on alcohol. Now if we could legalize herb, the outrageous price would go down and I would be one hell of a happy camper!

Jah Blessings
I-Tinually ever fearful ever sure

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Last Call

I want to quit but I find myself caught in a cycle of beer, bourbon, mai tai's, BT's and vicodin. Last Saturday was classic. It was agentofdischord's b-day. I figured I could squeak by, not show up, and no one would notice. That's about the time I was laying in bed with my flask of bourbon watching 'Where the Buffalo Roam". My phone rang. It was a friend calling me from the party asking where the fuck I was. Taking a slug of bourbon I told him I was laying in bed. Prior to the bed situation, I had consumed about 2 large sapporos. My buddy told me to get my ass over there. There was no way I could drive and I told him this. He came to my aid and said he would pick me up.

When I arrived, it was clear that I was going to drink steadily. Wasting no time, I gravitated toward the kitchen area, where I saw, in clear view, a bottle of Knob Creek. I was offered a newcastle. I asked if I could have some bourbon as well. The suggestion was encouraged. Taking a pull from the bottle I found that this was some delicious bourbon. I took another hit and set the bottle down, as not to be too rude and drink it all. The newcastle tasted good. From what I can remember I put down a few more beers, half a vicodin, more bourbon and god only knows what else. I was told that when I was dropped off at my home, that I was earnest about taking my friends for a spin in my 64 Corvair. I'm glad I didn't because I don't remember making that kind of offer.

Earlier this week, I had consumed a few vicodin due to another sports injury at the gym. Naturally, I washed it down with copious amounts of alcohol. When it came time to go to sleep, I kept getting this feeling that I wasn't going to wake up. The fear to sleep choked me like a silky scarf around my throat. For some reason I felt that I was going to die if I went to sleep. Usually I'll just pass out and not think about it. This time was different. As I lay there drifting off into unconsciousness, I would wake because my breathing would stop. It occured to me that death was there, waiting patiently. It was then that I said a prayer for myself because I do believe in the omnipresent life force and consciousness of the universe. I feel comfortable in acknowledging the grand architect of the infinite. Something told me to grab my grandfathers tattered old bible. I held it against my chest as I faded comfortably into unconsciousness.

My vicodin and alcohol consumption has been at record highs. I don't want to continue like this and I'm always looking for an excuse to quit completely. Quitting at the beginning of the week or a certain holiday or even when numbers are aligned in mystical sequences. Quitting was something that came easily when I lived on my own. But now all I am working toward is buying a house so I can be a recluse again. It's my only salvation at this point.


"you start to drink you just want to continue
it'll all be yester year soon
you start to drink you just want to continue
it'll all be yester year soon"

-Elliott Smith

Wednesday, April 06, 2005


At work.
My job's contract runs out in 2 weeks - gotta find another shitty job. I love shitty jobs. Great way to spend your time and energy (and get paid peanuts for it too - I love it). Anyways, thought I'd kill some time and check in with you guys. JAHJAH is rockin this blog! I love reading your posts man.

Where are the others?
I need to write more on here.

I'm still sober by the way. I know. Amazing. I'm on 70 days now. I'm quite used to it at this point. I can go out to bars & clubs and drink water while everyone gets smashed. It's really remarkable how fast people get wasted. I've been watching them go from Zero to Shitty in about 20 minutes or less. Most people cannot imagine what it's like to hang out with people while they get drunk & you stay sober. The conversation gets very boring - very fast. It sometimes makes me think: "Damn, here I am stuck in reality."

One thing for sure - my interests have become more important. By that I mean my "hobbies" such as Writing, Music, Digital Film. I bought a DVD burner for my Mac a few days ago & I've been obsessed with it. Also, I gotta get a fucking bike! New York City is so much more fun on a bike.

Damn I'm bored at work. Shitty dead-end jobs.

NEWS FLASH: My girl did not get transferred to LA. Therefore I will be staying in New York for the time being. And thats actually OK with me. I'm really enjoying New York lately. I'm completely obsessed with the history of New York. I walk around and see these buildings from the 1830's (some even older) I love it.


Monday, April 04, 2005

Spring Break 2005

Friday: Drank a couple beers at a pub prior to getting home, then found myself a victim of this insane happy hour, $1 double wells and it goes up .25 cents each hour. I caught it at $1.25 a drink and blacked out somewhere around $1.50. For starters such a happy hour preys on folks like myself who feel compelled to get a good deal despite knowing that you have already drank too much. My dear wife showed up at the bar to rescue my barfly ass. I asked," How did you know I was here?" She replied, "you called me!" Then it got real fuzzy as I got into the minivan with my two kids and my two visiting nephews. I remember throwing up out the window and then waking up around 5 am with a killer hangover. My wife explained how I threw up repeatedly out the window as we with through the main downtown area where the streets are filled with tourist and students.
Saturday: She said I need to go to counseling or AA so that I do not repeat an incident like that again. I say sure, thinking counseling is a better route as I have a general fear of AA. My sister in law came over to pick up her kids and told me, don't worry we all do that now and again and besides you drank on an empty stomach. I drank a glass of wine with her as she finished off the bottle.
Sunday: I pulled the big bootle of Jagermeister out of the freezer and stored it in my liquor cabinent.
Monday: I boosted to my wife how I haven't drank in a while, she pointed out that it had been 24 hours to be exact. She also pointed out that I had been stoned 24/7, which by my calculations shouldn't count.
Tuesday: I finish work, get high and pack up our family van for the big get away.
Wednesday: I drink Bhang and sample a pot cake I baked for the road, we spend too much time in Trader Joes (a bad place to go if you are way high, have the munchies, and just got paid) and we ended up in a place called Ridgeport.
Thursday: Bhang and cake all day as we soak in Natural Hot Springs and end up in Death Valley, strung out looking for a free place to camp in a Natural Park, which was a challenge and an adventure.
Friday: Wake and bake again with bhang. This time I was scared that it may go bad in the desert so I do what anyone else would do, drink it all, no sense in potentially wasting it. The result was hammering. I was walking out on this salt flat with my two kids feeling floaty and seeing rainbows out of the corners of my eye. It was like those times when you should sit down and collect yourself but you don't because the spacy feeling is so cool that you ride it out standing up and seeing how far you can go. Things appear closer than they really are should be posted everywhere in the desert. We end up way out there, no water, no food and the two boys are getting tired. We make it back an hour or two later to the camp where my wife was just waking up. I'm catching rainbows everywhere by this time and slip into my sunglasses and push on through. We end up rolling down sand hills and climbing through little slot canyons, all while continuing the level of high that I started with.
Saturday: By this time my dear wife is enjoying the solitude of the desert by existing on green tea and "freshies" (Fresh new green bud in a bowl to smoke). Together we reflect upon our lives and marriage. I get to thinking that I could exist without alcohol because I've been high 24/7 for the last 5 days.
Sunday: We wake up to the mighty Eastern Sierras, I gobble up the last piece of ganja cake and we hit the road back home.