Saturday, January 29, 2005

Sleepy Drugs

Sleep and drug use seem to go hand and hand. I take too many downers I go to sleep. I take uppers to counteract the downers to avoid sleep. I consider it a waste to ingest anything 10 minutes before passing out, but I still do it for the drifting into stoney sleep effect. I once took acid prior to passing out only to fall asleep and when my bladder woke me up several hours later I was full blown peaking, trip.

Anyhow I thought my six hour a night sleep pattern was optimal but studies show you want 7-9 hours a night! In researching I found the following facts about sleep:

- After five nights of partial sleep deprivation, three drinks will have the same effect on your body as six would when you've slept enough.
Seventeen hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol-level of 0.05%.
- Experts say one of the most alluring sleep distractions is the 24-hour accessibility of the internet.
http://abc.net.au/science/sleep/facts.htm

O.k this basically means, you can save money on beer through sleep deprevation, not only does it make you feel naturally drunk and packs double the punch, but if you are going down for the count and a crash is coming on, you can always pull off some marathon Internet research in the middle of the night without really knowing what the fuck you are doing.

Last week I had a bust on students with Marijuana. It was leaf sans bud and I felt bad for the kids getting busted for such swag. That night I puffed the last of my shake stash, totally pathetic, reeking like cigarettes eventhough it really was herb! "Judge not before you judge yourself" came to mind. The next day at work there was a rumour floating around that I was going to do a schoolwide backpack search as a result of the marijuana incident. Ironic because the day before, I got my big break off a kid who "gave me three (names) and he got to go free" by the end of the day I had two kids in possession and expelled and three kids who confessed smoking pot earlier in the week and got suspended. Now this kid who gave me all the names had in his possession two lighters, and a stash box with one marijuana leaf in it. That would have been enough to had him arrested for possession and expelled (this is a very conservative area when it comes to herb) I instead, told his mom that he had the lighters and a case but no herb. I threw it in the trash thinking what a crime that would be busting someone for that!?!?! During lunch, there were several students in a panic needing to get into their gym lockers. Bingo, I busted two girls one with a bottle of Kaula and the other had a liter size pepsi bottle full of beer (Budweiser) mixed with vodka and tequila! Dude that was core! I got a dry heave just smelling it to figure out what it was. The Kaula to took home, tripping on the vibration of the bottle, which was stolen out of some families house brought to school and slugged by god knows how many students! I don't even like Kaula but like a good acoholic, I counldn't see throwing it away.

one half joint
one half bottle of wine
two beers (12 oz Fat Tire and 12 oz Corona)
Jah Blessings

Monday, January 24, 2005

6 beers at RUDY's BAR and a 22 at home

FOCKIN FOCK!

Wild night tonight. Worked (boring) then went to my new favorite bar called RUDY'S on 9th ave. and 44th St. (Hell's Kitchen). Wild night. Still going. DAMN I'm outta beer!!! FOCK. Hold on gotta get some SAKE now - only thing left.....

Damn that was nasty! Tasted like VODKA - nasty! A friend of my girlfriends gave that to me. NASTY.

Anyways. Went to RUDY's tonight. I love RUDY's bar. I feel good there. I feel a strange sensation that one of my best friends (TIM) who died in Feb 2000 is there at that bar with me. Here's why: whenever I go there, it's crowded and yet - nobody sits next to me on my left hand side. Nobody asks to sit there - and nobody sits there. It's as if TIM was sitting there. I can almost feel him drinkin next to me. Sayin "RENO, get us 5 more beers.. each" He called me RENO for reasons unknown.

The Bartender is a sweet old woman named JOYCE. She bought ME a beer tonight! How's that for progress?

So tonight I sat there at my spot with TIM's ghost - reading my new book "This is Burning Man" by Brian Doherty (whom I think I met - once upon a time in Oakland). Great book! Really. I was weary of reading it, but I must say - good book and a good portrait of what Burning Man was and could be.

GOD I love Burning Man! There is no other spiritual experience I know.

If you fuckers are not going this year - than FUCK YOU
I'm tryin to put together a DUDE RANCH out at Burning Man. Dudes only. In the Indian ritual sense.
We live - we cook - we eat food cooked with butter pot - we smoke pot - we drink beer - we explore the Playa in all directions and where it takes us - we're MEN god dammit! We drink... We smoke pot.... we talk as we make food (goood food no less - as I will be the chef) and we explore our nature and our crazy will - and each day we come unwound and more unwound....And thats the camp I want. Fuck women. We love 'em, and hell they are sexy as fuck- but we gotta come together as men and void ourselves of sexuality and get into the unexplored reagions of the mind, body, and spirit - drown in it!!! . And this you can only find while SOLO in the night desert - under the full moon. Unless you know what I mean - shut up and plan to go with me!!!! and prepare to have your fuckin mind blown - prepare to cry to the moonlight and say that you're sorry - YOU'RE SORRY for being such a child. The stars are so beautiful and powerful. There is a humble experience awaiting you, Each and every one of us men should be brought to tears at one time or another in order to understand the true beauty and pain between male and females......and through this.......through the end...... remember your experience. of love hate joy sufferring, cold, hungry, loneley self - innocent in the cold dust storm.... looking for sensual , sssexual, intellectual, phylisophical, radical CONVERSATION!!!!

OK - I'n gonna continue my story below..... look below to read the rest of the HB cop story.....

BUBBA

Heroic doses

This weekend I was swimming in liquor. Friday the proveribial gun was cocked and loaded. I was ready for the week to come to a close and I was ready for sushi and beers. My neck was hurting and I have been on this strict diet consuming less than 1900 calories a day. At the sushi restaurant I drank down 2 Sapporos and 2 oz Saki but that's not including the Vicoden I popped before hand. When I got home I poured 1 glass of wine and followed it up with a couple glasses of whiskey. Mind you I had to get up at 4 AM to go snowboarding the following morning.

Saturday I barely woke up feeling very tired due to getting to bed late. Anyway I snowboarded from 7:30 AM to 12:00 noon before heading back home. I showered and crashed out for a couple hours. My motivation level was low because I was still wiped out from snowboarding and all I wanted was to spend a mellow evening alone. After waking up I made some food and uncorked the wine from the night before - there was still a whole bottle left. I emptied the bottle while I watched Supersize Me with my room mate. After finishing the wine I moved onto the whiskey and poured some into the wine glass I had rinsed out. Then the phone rang. It was my cousin. She and her boyfriend were on their way over with beers. After about 5-6 oz's of whiskey they arrived and handed me a beer. I was definitely beginning to lose a sense of coordination and time. They suggested going out for some mexican food so I went along with them. Once there I ordered a margarita and a burrito. I was so fucking full from that burrito I felt like I was going to vomit just to lose some of the mass I had just consumed. I never got sick. I lose all sequence of events after that point and wondered what I had done the night before. Sunday would be different with no alcohol - right? Wrong.

After sleeping in till noon I got up to shower and did some grocery shopping to replenish the healthy food supply. At Trader Joe's I broke down and bought two bottles of wine. That night I polished off a bottle effortlessly. I refrained from moving into the realm of whiskey or beers. Instead I loaded up a bong and took two rips. I hadn't smoked for a few weeks. I rarely smoke but I must say that afterward I lost all desire for alcohol.

When will this end? I have seriously been thinking of going to a hypnotist to have my desire to drink alcohol removed. That seems so un-natural in a strange way but I know if it can help me be more productive what can hurt?

Well gents, swill a couple for me this evening.

Drug User

Sunday, January 23, 2005

even water could be considered a drug

hey JAHJAHFUE - no resolutions for me. They suck. Although one year I did make one: "This year I want to get shot by the police". And it almost happened! One night (back in high school) I was taking my buddy home and I noticed I didnt have much gas left (and we were both broke). So I decided to stop by my house and use my mom's car. So we stopped and swapped cars. We had been smokin reef all night and we were plenty stoned. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw that a lone cop car had just sped up to get behind me. Of course I thought I was just stoned and paranoid, but I was wrong. Three more HB cop cars sped up to join the hunt. Suddenly lights. My buddy looked at me and said "Shit! Fuck! I have a few sheets of acid in my fuckin wallet! We're toast!". I told him "Calm down, Calm down. Just let me do the talking."
We Pulled over and 4 cop cars came rushing into position. Bright lights shining on us and I heard a few cops get out of the car, but yet nobody came over to talk to me. Strange I thought. Then the loudspeaker "Put your hands above your head. Now slowly open your doors and get out slowly with your hands on your head. Do not take your hands off of your head!" So we got out and I glanced over to see my buddy's freaked face. I smiled. I thought this was great. These assholes had no right to do this. I heard one or two shotguns get pumped and a morbid thought ran through my mind: Wow! I'm going to get my new years resolution. Get shot by the police! The loudspeaker again "Get down on the ground and keep your hands on your head!" So we did, but I fell slightly to the right and caught my fall with my right hand. That freaked the cops out and they came running up to me screaming "Don't Fuckin Move!" Then I felt a knee slam into the back of my neck and several demonic hands holding me down on the street. Then the sound of 'chkchk-chkchk' as they close the cuffs....[hold on time out from the story - my AMBIEN just kicked in like a mutherfucker}} ;;;;; ; ; ; I feel looped now....and the white keyboard i'm typing with has just become this beautiful blue and white with soft colors of pastel shadows....hmmmmm OK nothing is making much sense right now......guess i gotta go to bed. yep....I'll continue the story tomorrow...................



BUBBA

Saturday, January 22, 2005

New Year's Resolutions

New Years Resolutions are a joke for me because I usually break them within the first 24-48 hours of the new year. So this year I decided to make several resolutions in hopes that at least one survives the year. So far out of the ten made I have two left. No more coffee, gren and black tea is o.k. but no more coffee. It's a tough one considering my coffee supply of fresh organic Costa Rican bean that I bought in CR, sitting in the freezer begging to be ground up everytime I open the freezer. and the other resolution is no drinking,........and driving,....well actually no open containers,....and yes that's a bad habit of mine. I have a 45 minute drive home each day from work along rural roads where it might be a week or two before I ever see a cop and usually it's a sheriff car which is simply transporting some tweaker with a warrent. It's easy up here to drink and drive, the roads are straight as an arrow and single laned and visability for miles (Flat). Anyways, I wondered if anyone else made resolutions or are they just overrated?

Reality Check

My wife asked me what my plans were in terms of long term use and abuse. I was broadsided. What do you mean? I asked. She said that our 4 year old child is starting to catch on that daddy's using, you disappear for a moment and then you reappear reeking like herb with your eyes blazed. I was driving home from the bay area last weekend when we stopped at Trader Joes, in the parking lot I packed a big bowl and puffed steady while walking our dog around to have her go pee. I got back into the car with the reeking pipe and proceeded to go when my wife enacted the big heavy, "I don't want you to do this anymore it makes me uneasy to see you drive in this condition with our kids." I wanted to be defensive, like shit I just puffed a bowl to my head, I do that and drop a hit of acid without problems driving! I'm a pro driving fucked up! BUT instead I said o.k. and offered her the wheel which she declined and then we were off. Then the other day while packing a bowl in the car (I wasn't planning on driving we were just getting out to go somewhere), my son found the packed glass pipe grabbed it and started acting like he was smoking it. Where did he learn that?!?! Then there is my little one year old loves beer, in fact it's hard to drink around him without him grabbing your beer and taking a big ole slug. One would think that if a 1.5 year old drinks a big gulp of beer, that would be it, he wouldn't like it, maybe cry or something but not my boy, he smiles burps and wants more! Is it a precurser? Will he be me someday? My my herb stash is running out and instead of calling up my man I have just cut back a bit, granted it's hard to get excited about shake anyhow. I'm trying to make it last until the end of the month, however, it is the weekend and what I have left usually would last me one day or two max. I did spend three days without getting high and one day of complete sobriety last week, largely due to feeling hella sick and stressed out. Funny less herb more stress, but not so funny. Getting back to the reality check, I married to have someone like my wife plant these seeds of reality for me and or help control my intake. I am Jim Morrison reincarnated otherwise. It's hard when you love the abuse and find it almost as if it is a personally trait (me just being me) but you know it has a potential to ruin your life marriage and respect from your kids. What a fucking gamble. Last night three cold coronas with lime and four bts of shake. You know a part of me wishes I just had some steady pharmacutical (sp?) perscription that provided me with a discrete and socially acceptable high but I can't take pills, they are too easy to take too many.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

cant get drunk

Geez!
Yesterday I bought a 40 oz beer - drank the fucker - and nothing happened!! What the fuck ya know? It's sad. If I wanna get drunk - then I gotta have a hangover the next day I guess. Wine gives me a headache. Hard drinks make me barf. Beer has no hangover, but takes 300 gallons to get me anywhere. Am I really back to where I started? Am I really gonna go back to drinking 3 forty's a day? SHIT.

It's 2:20pm and I wanna get drunk.
I don't think I will though.
We need more druggies and drunks to post on this blog.
Shall we invite others?

=== dear Drug User - sorry about your sister. I know a bit about all that. ===

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Drunk burning eyes looking skyward

I went on a 26 mile bike ride today. It was a fucking asskicker seeing as though I haven't been riding since October. Additionally I had worked out hard yesterday so I was super sore. By the end of the ride today I was ready to do two things. Eat and sleep. I did both. When I woke up I wanted sushi. After much solicitation I found some subjects to indulge with me.

Once at the sushi place, 3 22oz beers were ordered and a large saki to split between all of us. We nursed our beers and ordered food. Then we ordered one 22oz beer to split it between the three of us. After dinner, then my cousin bought 4 22oz Sapporo's from the liquor store. She was so kind as to snap open a cold one and begin pouring the fragile golden liquid into my pint glass for us. Bless her. Later on we took a few shots of whiskey each and drank more beer...

Now I sit alone. Alone again. Like the day I was born in the quiet rumble of my mothers cervix before I was projected into this dimension of the universe.

To all... good night brethren. May many blessings be bestowed upon you...

DU

Friday, January 14, 2005

Jesus Juice

It's friday night. I couldn't even say I worked today. One thing I fucking love about working for myself. I wake up at 6:30, go to the gym, come home and shower. Make oatmeal. Check email. The housecleaners come and kick us out of the office. To busy myself I got the crew's bikes ready to go riding tomorrow. Went to lunch with Biff, Vicky and Michelle. Drove by storage and then Trader Joe's to buy 3 bottles of wine. Chateau St. Jean - Pinot Noir, Rosemount - Shiraz, and Santa Christina - Toscana Sangiovese were my choices. All very good wines. After TJ's I bolted to my bank and stood in line to deposit my check. While I waited in line I watch a guy about my age try and reel in his wandering daughter. He would persitently say "No! Don't do that..." when she began hanging on the elastic ropes that corral the people into the lines. When he had seen enough "monkeying around' he went up to her and pulled her hair, jerking her head back. This made her cry. Maybe not cry so much as whimper. Then he scolded her in the quietest manner possible. I couldn't help but wonder what life at home was like for this little girl. After the bank I stood in line at Fry's Electronics to exchange a data cable I had bought in October. Fry's has a 30 day return policy and it was now 90 days after my purchase. I explained that I asked my secretary to exchange it awhile back but now that she is no longer working for me I had to exchange it myself. They ended up giving my store credit. A close friend had given me a $50 gift certificate for christmas to our local bike shop. So after fry's I ended up going by there and purchasing some new pedals. They aren't just pedals they're Crank Bros. pedals.

Now I sit here polishing off a bottle of Chateau St. Jean. I love Jesus Juice!! I'm sure Michael Jackson would be proud.

Update: My sister was let out of the hospital even though she was at harm to other and herself. Great job county!!!

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Green Tea

It's Thursday and I have comsumed about 1350 calories today - about half as much as normal. There has been no alcohol in my blood since Sunday and I feel 'ok'. The extent of my drug use is about three mugs of green tea this morning and some herbs like Triphala, Hoodia, and Turmeric. Since I've given my liver a run for it's money during the past months I'm giving it a breather for when I gear up for more action. I only have two more Vicoden and a few Ativan left in my supply. They will be used when needed, like a bike crash or something harsh. What I really want to do is buy some wine for tomorrow evening. We'll see what happens... as they say. One day at a time.

Anyway I have to get to bed. I've got to wake up early and hit the gym and work off this gut that's been accumulating since August. No one said it would be easy...

PS: My sister OD'd on pills last night now she's in the county hospital, probably on her way to the psych ward soon. I'll keep you all posted.

G'night

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Where is the wine?

Damn I'm craving some wine right now. It's my thrid day without a drink. There's no wine in the house. But there's a bottle of whiskey on top of the fridge. Whiskey is not on my mind but the wine is something different. My favorites as of late can be found at Trader Joe's. There's a nice Italian wine called Santa Christina that is delicious. Then if you're going for organic wines I would recommend the Boneterra, which, once you let it breathe, it opens up and is real nice. My staple as of last week and the week after has been the Rosemount, Shiraz. It's made in Australia. Some of the blends they make are okay but I'm not big on blends. If you just want to get drunk and drink wine without analysing it, go for the Two Buck Chuck $1.99 (Charles Shaw). I bought two cases in late October and drank it all by the end of November. So much for wine...

Well I've eaten now and suddenly my alcohol craving has been replaced by fullness. I suppose that's the key - eat steamed veggies and fruit to replace the craving. We'll see how it goes once I hit the weekend. Damn! Why does everyone have to drink? That's a loaded question that I can answer many different ways. But I'll leave it at that for now.

Until next time my drug using friends.

10 million gallons of beer

Tonight is fun. I gave in.
I bought a 22 oz beer (Corona). Drank it. Nothing happened.
Then I went back downstairs and bought a 40 oz Bud.
That did the trick.

So now I'm chatting with DRUG USER & my buddy ASH.
ASH has a hang over from a 36 hour binge.
...hold on - I gotta piss............................

I invited him to this Blog - hopefully he'll join.

Shit - I just ran out of words......fuck.
I'm bored with everything lately. Is this normal? Is everyone feeling this way? Or am I just getting older? Is the world losing it's charm or am I just used to being alive? Hate my job. Hate being poor all the time. Hate my fat diet. Hate the news. Hate people who talk of modern pop culture. Hate my boss.

I'm bored. So I drink. What a waste. I could really "do things" - but yet I waste myself away drinking and fighting a serious case of insomnia. Funny. I read this book lately called "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk. I was dissapointed with it, but there was this one character in it (Denny) who caught my attention. The fact that he collected giant rocks and then built a giant structure from it in order to feel like he had "done something" with his life. It's a little sick how almost every one of us feels like we gotta "do something" with our time. I love doing nothing. Proving nothing. Feeling nothing. It's a rebellion against anything. "What a waste" some might say. Well, that's life. I might as well get wasted.

I can't wait to go to work tomorrow....and deal with my asshole boss.......

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Holiday Drunk

Last Thursday I dropped off Emma at the airport. She stayed with me for three weeks. The day after I picked her up from LAX we held a Christmas/Birthday party for Emma and Halley. I must have drank about 2 beers before the party followed by 5 pint glasses of gin and tonics. Later that night snuck off to my room while we busted out some 1995 vintage champagne that she brought back from France. Before I lost consciousness I remember having sex with her against my bedroom door while people knocked on my door to fetch their coat.

Trying to track my consumption after that day is near impossible due to the mere quantity that was consumed during the three weeks. But hey, I'll do my best!

We traveled to Baja and stayed five days at this place called Guadalupe Canyon hot springs located out in the middle of nowhere. We drank every day. Before we took off I packed a small cooler containing 1 Sapporo, 1 chocolate stout, 5 Sam Adams holiday beers. That doesn't include the 8 32oz Pacificos and 3 22oz Yellowtail Ales that I purchased from Arturo's makeshift cantina in my best Spanish. Emma brought several bottles of wine a couple bottles of champagne and some French Armagnac. On Christmas we bypassed coffee and toasted with several Pacifico's with a sqeeze of lime. On our way back, after my long and tedious drive through the Mexicali border and a wicked neck/back pain that turned me into an instant asshole, I arrived home only to pop two vicoden and washed it down with several gin and tonics. I felt so much better.

Over the next few days we geared up and went shopping for some warm clothing. Our next journey was Big Bear. Emma had never been to the mountains or in the deep snow before. But the real shopping happened when we hit Trader Joe's to stock up on more booze. 1 bottle of whiskey, 5 bottles of wine, 2 bottles of champagne. This was for our three night stay on Big Bear lake. We went snowboarding, got drunk and brought in the New Year in style.

After a long journey home from the mountains I decompressed and over the next few days we peppered our days with more booze topping it out with our last night together. Thats where we bought 3 bottles of wine after watching a movie called "Sideways". If you're lucky you can still find it in theatres - I would totally recommend it. That's what inspired buying the three bottles of wine and the other bottle of whiskey.

When I dropped her off at the airport I became sad. So when I got home I drank the rest of the wine left in the house, took a vicoden and passed out....

I hate goodbyes...

Nicaraga Rum

I remember this drunk dude from South Carolina who was visiting Costa Rica and sitting near us at this restuarant. Soliciting small talk we asked the man, "what is good here?" He holds up this glass, I mean glass full of rum and he slurrs, this rum from Nicaraga, it's the smoothist rum I've ever tasted! To that end I found and bought the same rum at the Duty Free store on our way out of Costa Rica. I'm not one to drink liquor straight up, but damn, this is smoothe rum, so smoothe in fact, I simply splash the coke on top and all I taste is coke and lime. Last night I finally said fuck I can't make the drink strong enough! So I tried it straight up,..smoothe but still liquor,...no can do. I'm already jonsing for when I'm out of this rum, which at my current trend should be the end of this week, as I've been hitting the harder stuff lately, in the form of Rum and Coke, mmmmmmmmmm so good! Last night's total two tall and strong rum and cokes, they were like a muscle relaxer, coupled with 5 bts, bliss!

Saturday, January 08, 2005

The Beer and the Pills - they call you

More and more - I can feel myself sadly returning to my old ways. 10 million beers and 10 million pounds of sleeping pills. I used to drink 3 40 oz beers a day (for starters). Now I usually drink 1 or 2 beers (12 oz bottles) every week - pretty good huh?

But lately I can feel the beer calling. Why?
I know why. I can swim in beer. I can drink beer until 2023 nonstop. Drinking beer gives me no hangover (I know. amazing). Beer relaxes me. Beer makes it easy to decide what is and what is not fun. Beer makes it easy to talk to whomever I want to and say exactly what I mean (which is a hit or miss). I'm drinking a god damn beer - right fucking now.
It's a RHEINGOLD. Read about it here: http://www.rheingoldbeer.com/

Also - I have just swallowed an AMBIEN. Read about AMBIEN here: http://www.ambien.com

I can't sleep worth dick lately. It takes me an AMBIEN to fall asleep. Usually I finally fall asleep around 1am - and usually I wake up for no good fucking reason around 4am. I don't know what it is about 4 fucking AM. Every time I look at the clock it's 4 god damn fucking AM - and I'm wide awake. The other day I woke up at 4am and said to myself "OK fuck you. I'm getting up and taking myself out for a Dunkin Donut!!" - and I did. And it was good. And you can read about Dunkin god damn Donut right fucking here: https://www.dunkindonuts.com/

Fuck sleep.
Sleep, you don't love me. Everyone else in the world can sleep. Most people lay the fuck down and fall the fuck asleep. Me? I lay down - cozy, tired - settle in - close my eyes - and FUCKING LAY THERE FOR HOURS - until the pills kick in. If by chance there are no pills for me to take - I'm fucked. I'll lay there until the sun comes up - with my eyes closed - just laying there like an idiot - tired. Nothing happens. The machine does not work. The switch does not flip.

So tonight I'm giving in to beer and pills. If beer and pills were people - I would invite them over and cook them a nice meal and give them presents and shower them with my love.

Sad though - I feel like I've made some progress away from beer and pills. But in truth I need them so badly.

(just gonna ramble on here until my pills kick in. Then I'm gonna go hop into bed with my girl)
Today I roamed New York City. Filming everything.
For Christmas I received a new (very small) Digital Video Camera. I've been filming random things around Manhattan lately. I'm really sad that I literally have no hard drive left for all my film shit I've captured. Already - I have outgrown this eMac that I bought in May 2004.

I filmed the World Trade Center site today. I was thinking about how soon (in a few years) it'll be gone. I'm sad. I've come know it so well as it is: all fucked up (a hole in the ground). They're gonna clean it all up and make it all Disney. The plans for the new site suck (in my opinion). I know it's a little morbid, but I wish they would just leave it alone how it is. There's a feeling I get when I look at it. And ya know if you haven't seen it - then you should. Then you might know what I mean. There's a quiet radiation that you feel when you stand there and look through the fence at this giant hole in the earth. Inside of yourself you know - that something awful happened right here. People (with lives, families, and friends) were on fire & jumped to their death right where you're standing. And even worse - Dickhead Bush and friends used this as a tool to fool the nation further into a state of fear and paranoia and to go kill 100's of thousands of innocent people in order to push business deals through the back doors so the rich get richer and the power insures itself for the future. I hate thinking these people died in vain.

There's a saying I've always said to myself: "Only great adversity can destroy the beast of decadence."
Maybe I'm wrong.

...well I finished my beer...I might go get another one......

:::::To jahjahfue:::::
- I read your post below and I feel for you. Waking up in the middle of the night is just not right. I'm sorry that happens to you - I know how it feels. And yeah - TEA rocks COFFEE!!!

DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS!!!!
(there should be a baseball team called THE DRUGS and they should all take tons of DRUGS and WIN. What City would they be in??)

Back to Work

Getting back to work is always a trip because I must pull it all back together. I did experience one day last week going the whole day and night sober, of course I felt like shit and I felt I was coming down with something, until I realized that it was just stress and that when ones whole life has been using when stressed it's like I just have no other coping mechanisms except getting fucked up. I was at an administrators meeting after school hours, where we all met at a casino to drink and plan special events for kids (scholarships, awards ceremonies, fundraisers, etc...) . It's a regular monthly meeting where all is free (food and drinks) and where all these administrators get together and drink (mostly mixed drinks),...crazy!
I couldn't really keep track of my intake other than I did go the whole week off coffee, that in itself was quite a buzz. I just maxed out on green and black tea all day long. One thing was that I had more energy late night than usual, however, I still am getting up in the middle of the night. In fact one night I woke up at 2am and stayed up for the rest of the day! Stress stress stress