Friday, December 31, 2004

I love these blogs

Happy New Year to my fellow Bloggers & anyone else reading these confessions.

What's that you ask? You ask what am I doing tonight here in New York City???

Answer: I don't know

I'm not really in the mood for parties (or even drinking - wow).
Why? I dunno. I'm going through this phase that began a week ago. I think I have some spiritual homework to do - that's the best way to describe it. I miss "me". And just how do you do 'Spiritual Homework' you might ask? Easy. This can be accomplished through the following (if not all) methods:

Everyone has there own 'Spiritual Homework'. They just need to look at themselves from the inside out. Define yourself from the inside out. Understand what you've been through and how it makes you feel. It takes humility and courage (boat loads).

I miss creativity. Nothing satisfies me like good work. Work I care about.

Strange - I don't feel like getting wasted today!
Sad - I feel like I have to tonight. I hate the thought of "trying to party". Yeah yeah yeah it's New Year's Eve in New York - I really don't care. Here's my New Year's Eve wish: I wish we could all stop jacking ourselves off with our obsession with fame and glam. I wish all the movie execs in Hollywood would take all the millions of dollars they would spend on new movies with Tom Cruise or Jim Carrey or Angelina Jolie and DONATE ALL THAT MONEY TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE SUFFERED IN SOUTH ASIA!
It's ok - we can just watch re-runs on TV or rent classics from Netflix for a year - we can live through it. I wish that the music industry would just STOP - it's really bad. I wish George W Bush would do a complete 180 and expose the power wolves holding his strings and put into place a new world-wide system of economics that would benefit the poor, the hungry, the elderly, and the sick - all this right before he blows his brains out on live TV.

Chances are, that won't happen.
What will happen in 2005? More death in Iraq, Afghanistan, and South Asia.
More glam and glitter as we waste $10 trillion on our collective American ego.
More melting of the polar caps. More $3 meals of fried cancerous fat while fresh vegetables grow for free on land that I do not own.

New York is dead to me. I need to leave. And I will. This will happen in 2005.
Where to? Southern California. The traffic. The late-nite drive throughs. The smog. The sun. The Giant stores. The Parking Lots. The crowded Beaches. The CHP. Car Insurance....and some good friends, family, and my dog. What more could I ask for?

Some day - I'll go visit my old city that will always be my home: San Francisco. I'll go to Vesuvio's and get drunk sitting in the exact chair Jack Kerouac used to sit and get drunk in (I've done this. Many times). San Francisco just isn't there any more though. Everything is in the past. Amazing how we all try to live in the past (and it's just not there anymore).

Random thought I had today: I thought about making a documentary on "HEARTBREAK". It's history throughout humanity and interview as many people going through it for whatever reasons. Young and old. From death to cheating husbands to dying pets.

Go to Yahoo News and click on the News Photos and view a slide show of Iraq or the South Asia Tsunami. Then put on the song "SONG SUNG BLUE" by Neil Diamond (if you dont have it - let me know in the comments section)...

Song sung blue
Everybody knows one
Song sung blue
Every garden grows one

Me and you are subject to the blues now and then
But when you take the blues and make a song
You sing them out again
Sing them out again

Song sung blue
Weeping like a willow
Song sung blue
Sleeping on my pillow

Funny thing, but you can sing it with a cry in your voice
And before you know it, start to feeling good
You simply got no choice

Song sung blue
Everybody knows one
Song sung blue
Every garden grows one

Happy New Year! 2005

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Brownie maddness

I basically made a pan full of brownies last Thursday and within a week I have successfully devoured the entire pan, not to mention the left over butter which goes well with toast in the morning. I took a BT today for the first time in over a week, no biggy, just didn't last so I made some bhang. I love THC and especially the ingestion, the prolong high, the perm a grin, everything! I've been dependant on Visiene(sp?), which is weird but fun when I can be so stoned but appear so sober, especially around family and people I work with, it's my little secret, the continual good mood.
Alcohol has taken a back seat unless I'm jiving on ginsing. It's a downer, I get stupid, not like I'm highly functional stoned out all the time, but at least it fits with my constitution. Hot baths rock, simple whole grain dinners, stoney music, and THC,...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Monday, December 27, 2004

Ganja Food For the Holidays

Tuesday through Sunday morning with family for the holidays. I won't go into the oddities of my family but it's really a love hate thing that if not intoxicated you will go mad!!!!
I averaged each day
two pot brownies
three beers/wine

Biggest total:
three glasses of wine two brownies two 12 oz beers and one chocolate stout 22 oz!

Highest high:
Getting an ipod with the Rolling STones doing SIster Morphine and I was way baked on two late night brownies, chillin' the night before Christmas in musical bliss (just to come down off the 5 pm pint of coffee slam!).

And a sober day with Skye and I skiing for the first time together,..roots!

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Mellow Monday

Packing up for the trip to Oregon. Trying out the potency of the brownies, they are creeper, strong and long lasting.

3 pot brownies
4 bts
12 oz beer

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Pot brownie o'clock

A quart of mate
3 cups of coffee
ginsing tonic

Two tall double rum and cokes
three beers
7 bts
shot of sake (for Bubba)
Pot brownie mix,...licking the bowl

Mega Hippie Speedball!!

Way productive, way high

Like a salmon who makes it to the ocean and says, fuck, what?!?! Vacation is like that for me, I need routine or I'm just on a run to stay altered.

AM: three cups of mate, large coffee, and the ginsing solution

3 glasses of red wine
22 oz beer
4 bts

Highlight: Being on a "Hippie Speedball" (Bhang and Ginsing) and going to a potluck with very cool people. We sang a song and ohmed before we ate, the techno music faded into us all drumming the night away. And did I mention that they all were parents from the Charter school I work at?!?!

Saturday, December 18, 2004

No work for two weeks!

First night of vacation. I worked out after work which decreased my desire to consume but my dear wife was in a festive mood and had the bong ready to go when I arrived home.

double tall rum and coke
double tall Margarita
8 bts

Unfortunately, I pretty much passed out prior to the kids going to sleep, despite my wife's desire for me to stay up.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Too much of everything is just enough

Staff party day:

3 shots of tequilla
1 jagermeister
3 beers
1 rum and coke
4 bts

What I hate about our staff partys is that no one really partys, instead the Christian coilition, just bad trips you after one beer, "Are you O.K. to drive?!" "It sounds like your speech is slurred, is someone else taking you home?" It's so bad that:
a. I went and had a beer and a shot prior to even getting to the restuarant where we had the party.
b. I went with a couple of cool employees to the bar section of the restuarant, like we were sneaking out of the party to quickly slam tequilla shots (this took place three times).

Now I've heard that if you are under stress you get drunker quicker, I found that incorrect,...I think you drink more when you are stressed out.

And the drive home was topped off with a beer between my legs. My boss called (just as I thought we were done with the party and comments) and said, "Are you O.K.? you just passed me like I was standing still!" I wanted to say, well the G force helps the beer go down quicker, but I did my best not to slurr and not to sound in too good of a mood, "Oh I'm just going with the flow!" Kind of like my own inside joke that was contextually appropriate!

Thursday, December 16, 2004

muscle in plastic

Another stressful day. Somewhat affected by the night before... ie; the vikes and the beers. Plus there was a TON of work that needed to get done. But by the end of the day I made up my mind and went to the liquor store.

tonights consumption:

two 22 oz sapporos
one 12 oz singha

I'm tired.

good night and have fun!

this is a blog posting BEFORE I get drunk

So here I am at work.
It's almost 5. All day I'm thinking about 1 thing: GETTING DRUNK!

I used to be so good. I quit for a while.
Before that I drank TWO 40 oz. a day (sometimes 3 or a few 6 packs).
You could say I had a talent for drinking beer.
My body was getting that beer bloat fat - nasty.

Then something awful happened (no, not a DUI, something else).

After I was released from the hospital all I wanted to do was jog.
And I did. And it was great. And I lost a lot of weight.
Everyone kept saying - "wow, you lost weight & you're not drunk"

Now, slowly but surely, the need to get drunk is coming back.
But this time it's Sake - not beer.
I like to get a bottle of Sake & poor it into a water bottle.
I walk down the crowded streets of Manhattan drinking Sake from my Sparkletts water bottle. Even past cops - cuz why the fuck not?

Some days, craving bliss can be like weather. Natural. Powerful.
You just wake up & it's there like the clouds or the rain.

I was sitting on a bench on my lunch hour watching people walk by Grand Central Station. I was looking at people thinking about: What makes us 'Human'?
It's intellect, sensitivity, and compassion.
Yet, some people don't have it. Who are they? And what kind of world is it they create? Fuck them!

New York is so strangely alone. Everyone walks around disconnected and completely enclosed in their mind. Nobody looks at eachother. I've been here a year & made only 1 friend. However, this friend was "given" to me by a friend from California.

I sat at that bench today & realized this: I don't belong here

Some day soon I'll be moving back to California ("I'm goin back to Cali").
And some day soon I'll have to face the fact that I'm an alcoholic and I need help.

13 minutes left to go. Then it's DRUNK TIME!


22 oz microbrew
12 oz Red Hook
6 BTs

Still feeling worn out and not up to par.
Highlight: Dear wife giving the green light to persue the green card!

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Frayed Wednesday

It's Wednesday. I'm fried. Tonight was sushi night - very well deserved considering the amount of work I've been pushing out of my brain. Being an artist is hard work some time.

Three 22 oz Sappporo's
Two Vicodin

Sad as it may seem one day I'll be able to get back to meditation and yoga as a means of relief. But that is why I started this blog - to see how disgusted I become with myself through my drug consumption, in hopes to quit.

Green Card Anyone?

Board Meeting night = late sober night

22 oz Local beer
4 bts

Notes: I was tired and really didn't feel like using
Highlight:Discovered a local doctor offering marijuana perscriptions along with a local herb bank in the next town over,...hmmmmmmmmmmmm
Stoney moment: trying to get the kids to bed and passing out myself.

Recipe: Bhang
Put fine ground herb in a cup of water and simmer for 10 minutes (making sure you don't evaporate the water completely!) Add fatty milk, I use soymilk at 3 grams of fat, but I think cows milk has more. I supplement with liquid Lecithin (sp?) used for binding bread together, actually a good brain food, it too is fatty and adds to fat which is the THC binding agent. simmer for 15 mins the longer the better as last as it's slow and doesn't evaporate the whole pot (you can tell this has happened before!). You can add fresh ginger, tea bags, etc, spice it up or develop the straight up taste which isn't that bad. Last thing is to strain it if you are into it, personally herb doesn't bother me but straining helps with drinking it. I eye about a joints worth of herb but I must warn you, it works and when you think about it, think about what it would be like to smoke this much instantly because that's how it feels. For the effort though I say joint minimum. The high comes on slow but can really rock you for about three-four hours. First time around try it at night, but as you become more experienced, try it first thing in the morning and you'll feel high way through lunch!

I'll pay you for a hamburger on Tuesday...

Today has been a very concentrated day. I won't go into the details as they are irrelevant. Let me just say this. My eyes are puffy and they feel like they are about to bleed - pressure in my temples staring at the computer all day. After producing a bulk of work that surpassed the expectations of my client and myself - I didn't want yoga or meditation. I wanted to change my channel completely.

Here's Today's Intake:
Caffiene - One pot of green tea
Caffiene - One cup of coffee
Caffiene - One 32oz Raspberry Nestea

Alcohol - Two 22oz Sapporo
Vicodin - Two

Monday, December 13, 2004

Monday morning coming down

Got home early
7 BTs
22 0z micro
12 oz red hook
1/2 bottle of red wine

High light: went to check out falling stars with kids, they fell asleep by the time we got there, and it was cloudy anyhow!
Stoney moment: Hearing James Taylor sing Do me wrong right right just don't let me be lonely tonite, as,....Doobie wrong doobie right.

Monday 12.13.04

Caffeine in the form of one pot of green tea (approx 3 mugs)
Caffeine - 1 mug of black tea

No Alcohol
No pills

Saturday Sake

Saturday I woke up - kicked ass (studied) then drank a 24oz bottle of Sake (Chilled). I pounded it quick on an empty stomach.

Then I had to get my ass to the airport (LGA) to meet my girl. I don't even remember getting on the bus - but I made it there. Then we got home & took a bath with candles. I had to get out of the tub due to spinning dizzyness (I know, very romantic).

Last thing I recall of that evening was passing out on the bed while looking up at the ceiling. I was watching the ceiling fan & I could have sworn that it was moving (not me). UUUUUUGH.

Woke up at 6am. Dry mouth & pounding headache.
Went to the kitchen and ate 4 ibuprofen - then jumped in the hot shower for an hour. Tried to sleep - couldn't. Pounding headache. Hot flashes. Sickness.

Got up. took 2 more Ibuprofen. Took another hot shower for 1 hour.
Went to Burger King to eat fries (that's the only thing that sounded good at the time). Went home and paced around whilst moaning. Then my girl dragged me in to Manhattan to do some Xmas shopping (I know, I'm tough).

Got home. Made pasta & steamed veggies. Watched a stand-up comic on DVD.
Laughed with my girl while she drank wine & I drank water.
The night progressed.

Midnight: my girl asks me "Honey, did you take your pill yet?"

[stop the movie]
--- I take AMBIEN to sleep. I have extreme insomnia ----
[resume the movie]

ME: "No, not yet. I should. I should go to bed."
SHE: "Could you wait a little while?" (this is her way of asking for sex)
ME: "Um, okay."

20 minutes later...we're in bed

She lights candles. She pours herself another glass of wine (this could be her 5th). She gets in to bed with me. I put down my 'How to speak Japanese' book. She cuddles up to me. My stomach feels rotten. My lack of enthusiasm prompts her to say "You don't feel good, huh?"
ME: "No"
SHE: "Okay, I'm gonna go read."

[inside my mind I'm thinking of the 300,000 times I've wanted to rip her clothes off & she has said something to the effect of "not tonight, I'm not feeling well" - causing me to go to the bathroom & grab my hidden supply of Astroglide & service myself. So in this moment - I do not feel bad for her]

ME: "Okay, good night"
She blows out the candles & grabs her wine & her book. She heads into the living room. I pop the AMBIEN pill into my mouth and roll over & wait for sleep to engulf me.................................................................................

..........and it does!!! [however, this is not the end]

I'm awoken by the sound of the bedroom door.
A drunk girl makes a lot of noise getting into bed.
She get's under the covers & grabs me. She says into my ear "Let's have sex!".

ME: "Babe, I'm tryin to sleep dammit. You woke me up!"
SHE: "Rrrrrr" (mumble mumble)

I turn over.
She turns over.

First thing to enter my mind: TAKE ANOTHER AMBIEN RIGHT NOW!
But I don't - and I should have.Second thing to enter my mind: I reconsider her offer. I turn back around to go in for the kill and "ZZZZZZzzzzzzz" - she's out like a light. I toss and turn for the remaining hours until the alarm goes off. I should have taken another fuckin AMBIEN...

Morning. Coffee. Subway ride to work. Here. Now.
That's all for now.

Weekend abuse

Friday night I drank two 24oz dynamite custom brews called (Jessicas Jewel Honey Ale) it fucking ROCKED!!!
Two Vicodin
A half bottle of wine
I woke up with a wicked hangover this AM. Took two Aleeve and went back to bed until 9:30.

Saturday I drank:
Two Sapporos Large
One Fosters Lager
A half of a Mai Tai
Some shit called SPARKS which contains 6% Alcohol, Gurana, caffeine, ginseng and some other shit.
More wine....and some Aleeve so I hopefully won’t get a hangover. As of this moment it’s 12:37 and I’m still nursing some red wine.

I began with 1 Vicodin
5-6 Glasses of champagne
1 glass of red wine
2 more vicodin
1 bottle of Sake