Monday, February 28, 2005


Today was weird. My alarm went off at 4AM as it was set for my Saturday wake up call. Fumbling with my atrophied fist I hit the button and reset my alarm. Then I had client difficulties once I began work. By the time it was past 5:30 I decided to have a glass of bourbon. It's now 10:00 and I have finished the bottle and tapped into my, once full, flask. No night of drinking would be the same without a sudden decision to smoke weed even though the smoke irritates my lungs and causes me to wheeze like did during my bout with childhood of asthma.

Today I learned that it's best to be an asshole that is respected than just a plain asshole. I didn't really learn that but it's what I typed and it somehow sounds good like I somehow actually did have a lesson I could have learned today. What I really want to do is to listen to jazz and go to bed. It's my time.

6 glasses of bourbon
2 bowls = 6 bong hits
2 mugs of coffee

Good night all (and welcome agentofdischord)


Sunday, February 27, 2005

from green to grey

Thats how it starts. You get drunk and then you smoke. Nice green bud to the grey ashes of the last bowl. Or rather that's how I've been doing it lately. If I'm sober then I know it's stupd for me to smoke because of those delicate lungs of mine. But I love it. For what it's worth. Today I hung out with my dad. We went to a car show in Temecula. I wish I had drove my 64 Corvair. It's dialed in but there a are just a few things I need to take of before I take it to car shows. I'm a perfectionist. If I'm going to hang my car out there it should be dialed in.

Anyway, today I've had about 4 huge glasses of wine while I ate dinner with my dad and my cousin. I made my dad drive home because knowing my luck I would have been pulled over and taken to jail, especially in Huntington Beach. Those cops are homos. Not even in the cool, fun, fabulous, gay sense. The cops just plain SUCK. They are a bunch of rookies who love to kick the shit out of harmless white boys. I see them as wannabe action heros who do nothing but bring people down rather than rally for the good of the people.

Fuck 'em. They'll do it their way, whatever...

So after my pops drove me home we sat in my roommates room and I asked my friend to load a bowl while we watched the lame Acadamy Awards. Chris Rock was sooo fucking sensored!!! I love this country but at the same time, this country sucks!!! Everythihng from radio and television is now run through a huge FCC filter. This filter is elected by 'we the people' and sadly executed in our courts and justice systems.... and you know what? No one does anything about it. All because of Janet's tit coming out? There are billions of people who have had to suck on their mothers tit just to survive. What is the big deal now? People are so uptight... but they are also just complacent.

I want to tell you about drugs but I need to tell about a whole lot more than what I can now... I'm drunk and I have had more to drink than what I can now write about. Incognition is now in full effect. I'm wasted. Let me be free......

One Good Thing About Music-When It Hits You Feel No Pain

Bubba good for you. I always think that when my addiction costs me my job and family then perhaps I'll give it up. I tried once before to say that I've been there done that, and I must say it made me feel good that I was in control, but I found myself cheating now and again feeling guilty feeling bad, and then I just said fuck it, this is who I am besides I'm nicer to get along with while intoxicated. I felt your quote, "we were all kids once,.." terribly piercing to the soul. I often wonder if my addictive personality is a result of disposition or role modeling or painful memories trying to keep down,...probably them all! I often wonder about my impact as a role model for my family. My nephew the otherday said, "my teacher doesn't drink." I thought yeah right they are just saying that to look good. Then he went on,"and he is a guy!" I told him to tell his teacher that "my uncle worries about people like that!" probably not the right message to send your nephew whose only male role model besides his teacher is me, who had to take his herb and pipe with him to work the whole week in order to be nice and baked by the time I got home in order to cope with the demands of children! My youngest child is way demanding on my beers that I now have to drink them out of a glass because he recognizes the bottle. And what about the behavior of you want it,...?!?!....we'll buy it,...fuck waiting until Christmas Birthday, hell everyday is a celebration,...will that lead towards having a spoiled kid or the persuit of the eternal high?!?! Let's not think about all that right now,'s 6:52 am and I'm going out to my car to start the day by getting high!

Thursday, February 24, 2005


FUCK... Tonight was sushi night. My friend and I went to our favorite place to eat the finest fish. The place is called Gessin Sushi in Orange County. I chowed on some serious raw fish and drank about about 33oz of sapporo while there. After sushi I had my friend drive me to Beverages and More so I could pick up some Eagle Rare Kentucky Bourbon for my new stainless steel flask. On the flask is inscribed: "Property of No. 1 - Bludgeon Yer Eye!". So I came home and drank about three snifters of bourbon and filled my flask. My roommate also let me take a hit from his pipe - good weed. All the while I thought of Hunter S. Thompson and toasting him with every sip.

Congratulations on the sobriety. May you serve as an inspiration to those of us who are polarized by our desires and addictions.




Well. What can I say? It's late & I'm drinking a glass of hot Theraflu.
Yeah Theraflu. Fighting a cold.
It's snowing outside (blizzard actually). It's nice. Beautiful. I love when it snows at night. There's this peaceful quiet sensation of a giant white mass falling softly from the black sky - while everyone sleeps - toasted under the covers.

I have something big to tell you guys.

I even started going to agnostic AA meetings.
I go to a meeting on the upper east side - every wednesday night.
Yes, it is a lot like Fight Club.
And No, I don't cry into the tits of a fat guy.

It's been 1 month and 2 days.
That last post of mine was the last night with Bukowski's blood.

What I thought was SAKE that night was actually Japanese Vodka - nasty as hell. That shit fucked me up. I blacked out hard.
While blacked out - I went to the store downstairs and bought ANOTHER 22 oz beer. Then when I woke up, it was 9 and I was due at work.
So I called in sick - and spent the rest of the day throwing up.

In short - this almost cost me my job AND my girlfriend.
So I decided to quit drinking. And I did.
How is it?... It's quite nice, actually. There's this new frame of mind I have. In order to reach that "threshold" of madness I used to achieve through drinking - now I have to find it naturally - and I do.
My mind has changed a bit.

Anyways - I gotta go to bed.
I just wanted to post a little something and tell you about my NEW MADNESS.
Crazy thought = we were all kids once, and we didn't need to get drunk or take drugs.


I'm back! kinda.. I'm testing this new Blog app.... hold - gotta make sure it works.


Double standard double life

I had a weird day yesterday. Maybe it was the gonzo spirit drifting throughout the universe, or perhaps just the fullness of the moon. None the less it began with this kid getting busted for checking out porn on the Internet. While I was lecturing the kid, I was recalling the time when I got busted checking out porn on the internet. I wanted to say, it's o.k. now but later in life it could cost you your marriage! Later the same day, I was presenting my case in a formal expulsion hearing for the two kids who brought marijuana to school. Shame shame, I want these kids out of my school! While thinking what a shame, the herb wasn't even worth smoking (or pinching) and also thinking how I can't wait until this is over because I was ready to pack a bowl myself (you know with all this Marijuana talk) and I did, with some kind bud for the drive home.
24 oz of Sierra Nevada
One fresh bowl of kind Northern Cali Bud (Approximately 6 hits)
one vicodin

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Smoke and Jazz

It's evening time. It's a full moon and I hear the notes of jazz dance and strut from my crank radio that sits by my bedside. Today is a good day, there's a lot to be excited about. But today I decided to take two of these darvocet that my grandmother gave me for my separated ribs. After taking these pink pills, I ran some errands. First stop was my accountant and thereafter it was to the post office. It took a good hour for these babies to kick in. Once they did, I started feeling nauseous. Unlike vicodin where you notice a warm fuzzy feeling through your body these had the fuzzy but none of the warm. It misses that opiate element that is present in all drugs derivitave of poppies. The nausea kept increasing so I eventually took a bong hit. Despite me rarely smoking because my lungs just can't handle it, it miraculously removed the nausea element to my experience. Maybe it's one of those drugs you have to get used to. You feel like crap in the beginning but before you know it you're partying with them on a regular basis. One thing I do know, after looking them up, was they love to fuck up your liver. All the good drugs love to bring the liver to the party. And it's for that very reason I know I haven't been taking them. That, and my stepbrother died of liver failure at 24 because he drank way too much.

I know this is a drug log but I have to confess that I have been hitting the gym almost every day and kicking my own ass for over the past month. In spite of all the intoxicants I put into my body, I put a great effort into making sure they are removed. It's weird, I'm really starting to become addicted to it. It's probably the endorphines. If it's not one high it's another. I don't know if I want to call it moderation or extremism. I hate to call it anything at all. It's just life unfolding and burning inside us. So with that. I leave you with this...

To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to all of life's problems!
- Homer Simpson



Monday, February 21, 2005

A broken wagon

It's been awhile. There's a point of saturation that everyone reaches where they top out, burn out and retreat. At least that's how I see it in my world - spoken from the point of view from someone who has A.D.D. tendencies. Basically I've been too busy to post. It's not like I haven't been doing drugs or drinking or smoking but it's that I haven't found time to log it in. Coupled with the fact I am questioning my own ability to actually quit these substances, during a period when I am trying to acheive my goals. My meticulous attention to detail hasn't gone ignored, however. Just because my abuse isn't online right now, it doesn't mean that I haven't been taking notes... I'm still a keen observer of my own abuse as it's not something I wish to continue until the end of my days. Yes many of my heroes took copious amounts of drugs to break through the barriers of homogenized society. And yes, they have been role models and inspirations at many times in my life, much like what JahJahFue had mentioned. There are too many to list as inspirations. They line the shelves of City Lights Bookstore, they line the walls of museums and they fill the cemetaries around the world. Regardless of trying to get on the proverbial wagon, I'm finding the wagon that is supposed take me back to the innocence of my childhood is broken. In the meantime, while I take the wagon in to be worked on, just sit back and observe the intake during my absence.

1 bottle of wine

2.5 22oz Sapporos
3 shots of saki
2 shots of whiskey

1bottle of wine
4 shots of whiskey

2.5 Sapporos = 619
2 oz Saki = 77
1 glass wine = 170
4 oz whiskey = 277

600 ml wine = 425
1.5 beers = 221
6 oz whiskey = 414
1 margarita = 170

40 oz wine (5 glasses)
2 bong rips

12 oz Sapporo = 135
2 oz whiskey = 158

3 22 oz Sapporo = 743
1 12oz newcastle = 140

40 oz wine (5 glasses/1 bottle) = 850

2 Sapporos = 496
1 Sierra Nevada = 198

2 12 oz beers = 210
2/3 bottle of wine = 850
1 Armingiac = 104

3 gin and tonics = 850

2 Newcastles = 496
40 oz wine (5 glasses/1 bottle) = 850

80 oz wine (10 glasses/2 bottles) = 1700

6 beers = 886

2 22 oz Sapporo = 495

1 Fosters Lager = 247
80 oz wine (2 bottles) = 1700

B-day Weekend
Too much debauchery to record.

1 guiness = 125
40 oz wine (5 glasses/1 bottle) = 850

2 Guinness = 250

I think I'm giving my liver a run for it's money. Now pepper that with some BT's and the last of my vicodin throughout the evenings of drinking. I've even taken the liberty to post the caloric intake for these drinks, as I think it helps a person to actually look at how much useless calories are being consumed.

Anyway, I've got a lot of shit to do so I had better get back to work. I think I may even have a shot for Hunter tonight.

Until the next post...


RIP Hunter S Thompson

I woke up this morning to read that Hunter S Thompson had committed suicide. While he lived a long and wild life it's always sad to hear people end their lives prematurely. Especially when you consider that Hunter S Thompson was believe it or not, very inspirational. It was reading "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," that I was inspired to go to college and become a journalist. That was also the first book I ever read cover to cover without the usual assistance of Cliff Notes. He showed me that you can infiltrate the system, party continually, and be brilliant all the while. In fact, the last conference I went to, I went to the registration picked up my tote bag full of notes and ruminants of workshops, and I went back to the Inn by the Sea and partied for 3 straight days never once going back to the conference. True Fear and Loathing style, I came back with the story, "The conference was good but I was expecting a little more, I wish I brought some teachers with me, they would have benefited from the message." It's the quest for happiness through intoxication, it's the quest for the American dream, it takes it's toll in the most usual and tragic ways.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

A cure for the common cold

I think the continual use strengthens the immune system, that's why when I'm full blow sick and take the day off work I have a healthy dose of pot butter and swigs of chilled Sake (Bubba inspired no less) and a 22 oz beer by noon. I finish the day off with bong hits of the super chronic kind. The result, more congestion and sore throat but feeling good so good layed up on the couch watching a Eupore 72 Grateful bootleg DVD. I've heard what makes you sick makes you better, I say don't stop tell you get enough and too much of everything is just enough. It's particular tough right now with a case of Fat tire, quarter of kind bud, and I figured out how to burn DVDs, I really wish I could shoot a Independent movie on life right now, it may not cure the common cold but would definetely make you feel better.

“Sometimes I wish I’d went through those good times stone cold sober so I could remember everything. But then again, if I had been sober the good times probably wouldn’t have been worth remembering.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald