Saturday, January 22, 2005

Reality Check

My wife asked me what my plans were in terms of long term use and abuse. I was broadsided. What do you mean? I asked. She said that our 4 year old child is starting to catch on that daddy's using, you disappear for a moment and then you reappear reeking like herb with your eyes blazed. I was driving home from the bay area last weekend when we stopped at Trader Joes, in the parking lot I packed a big bowl and puffed steady while walking our dog around to have her go pee. I got back into the car with the reeking pipe and proceeded to go when my wife enacted the big heavy, "I don't want you to do this anymore it makes me uneasy to see you drive in this condition with our kids." I wanted to be defensive, like shit I just puffed a bowl to my head, I do that and drop a hit of acid without problems driving! I'm a pro driving fucked up! BUT instead I said o.k. and offered her the wheel which she declined and then we were off. Then the other day while packing a bowl in the car (I wasn't planning on driving we were just getting out to go somewhere), my son found the packed glass pipe grabbed it and started acting like he was smoking it. Where did he learn that?!?! Then there is my little one year old loves beer, in fact it's hard to drink around him without him grabbing your beer and taking a big ole slug. One would think that if a 1.5 year old drinks a big gulp of beer, that would be it, he wouldn't like it, maybe cry or something but not my boy, he smiles burps and wants more! Is it a precurser? Will he be me someday? My my herb stash is running out and instead of calling up my man I have just cut back a bit, granted it's hard to get excited about shake anyhow. I'm trying to make it last until the end of the month, however, it is the weekend and what I have left usually would last me one day or two max. I did spend three days without getting high and one day of complete sobriety last week, largely due to feeling hella sick and stressed out. Funny less herb more stress, but not so funny. Getting back to the reality check, I married to have someone like my wife plant these seeds of reality for me and or help control my intake. I am Jim Morrison reincarnated otherwise. It's hard when you love the abuse and find it almost as if it is a personally trait (me just being me) but you know it has a potential to ruin your life marriage and respect from your kids. What a fucking gamble. Last night three cold coronas with lime and four bts of shake. You know a part of me wishes I just had some steady pharmacutical (sp?) perscription that provided me with a discrete and socially acceptable high but I can't take pills, they are too easy to take too many.


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