Sunday, September 25, 2005


Well, I just got back from the dissolution of a sand mandala. The Lama spoke about attachments, I thought about herb. The day before I got acupuncture hoping for some fix, several pricks later and a bunch of Chinese herbs and still no effect. The acupuncturist spoke about my condition as a relationship. In relationships we often lose ourselves especially when the relationship is abusive. I am in day four of complete sobriety and let me tell you it absolutely sucks. It's like I just broke up with my lady and all I can do is be bummed all day and stay awake all night. Last night my wife went out and I was left with the kids, I immediately went to the stash only to find that my dear wife took everything and hid it! Oh dude, I was crushed. Akin to having to take a big shit and struggling to get to the bathroom, only to find someone occupying the only stool. I told my wife that I'm so miserable that I'm really to go to the Western Med doctor and say hook me up with whatever it takes to get me through just another day. Her response is I rather you smoke herb than take pharmaceuticals. Great, but I'm one who can't just enjoy it now and then, I need it 24/7! I thought about a change of jobs to somehow renew my spirits and energy, so I got a line on this sweet job via the "good ole boy network". I requested an application and sure enough when it arrived it came with a form to submit to drug testing!
I can't let go and I can't hold on, if the thunder don't get ya' then the lightening will!
So now I'm taking Chinese herbs around the clock and feeling like shit, I'm depressed, bored, restless, and jonesing. I wonder if I'll still feel this way by next week, probably not but in the meantime I'm just one big irritation. I found an old picture of a group of us getting high in a oversized shower back in 1990 and the Carson,CA Dead shows. I do not own music that doesn't make you want to get high, so whenever I play music, I jones. I had a call from a long lost friend who wants to come by and see me, I haven't seen him since the Dead touring daze. It's a tough break up and always be reminded of the relationship, perhaps the day will come when we can reunite again. As the acupuncturist said, you don't have to break up, you just need to find balance,....easy for him to say!


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