I'm back

2 pints of beer
a "washington apple" shot
a jello shot
three bonghits

Back in the saddle again.

Jah Rastafari

I feel so high right now I can even touch the sky,.....here I come again, gotta have Kaya now Kaya Kaya.

So the doctor visit went well tonight. When asked how can I help you? I went right into the whole story of being a pro, from 20 years of touring with the Dead to puffing down an average of an eighth a week as a professional adult married with kids. He relates, and tells me about his own history and current "balance" with "cannabis." I couldn't believe my ears! He explained it may be the only thing that works with my constitution. He really assured me that "cold turkey" wasn't necessary and that I didn't have to suffer. He suggested tapering off or just doing just enough daily, less and less. Just when he got the coolest doctor award ever, I explained my anxiety about going to Thailand this winter and having nothing to rely on. He first said, "In some places Thai people can even sell you magic mushrooms in an omelet, it's all over the place, usually in food places." My Foders Thailand book mention none of that! I explain I'm not really into pharmaceuticals, everything else makes me feel sick, except, I do enjoy Soma. He offers a prescription but warns it's highly addictive, instead he tells me of this marijuana homeopathic medicine. Being a non-believer in homoeopathy, I say "Is it over the counter?" "No, it is through prescription only" he replies. I'm silently trying to figure the logistics when he says, "it really works." Then before I could ask, he says the following magic words, what I've been waiting wishing for, like a dream come true, a milestone in life's accomplishments,..............."I will prescribe Cannabis under prop 215 and you can be legal and I can send you the homeopathic marijuana to try out."
I celebrated by screaming, hooting and hollering throughout the house as I ran to the closet and packed a fresh one. Jah Rastafari, guide and protect, give thanks and praises!

What Makes You Sick Makes You Better

My wife really wanted me to go see this traveling Lama speak at night but I was still in the major funk. I even took a few bonghits in the middle of the day. It got me real high and although I was high I was feeling funky because I just couldn't make it cold turkey. I thought, I have no will power, I have been consumed by attachments, I'm going to have to live through this hell again and again until I can let it all go. How sad. Then when my wife left, I found myself falling back into grumpiness and irritability so I took another bonghit and that was it. My mood was elevated, I became real present with my kids needs, we played we laughed, we ate veggie hot dog cheese melts (a true stoners menu item). I told the boys exciting imaginative stories,...I felt good, like the best I've felt in three days. When my wife returned, I was in bliss eating popcorn with the little one who stayed awake. My wife returned in bliss having successfully meditated for the first time. And I told her good night and fell right to sleep just like the good ole days, I got a great night of uninterrupted sleep. I was back in love again.

Relationship

Well, I just got back from the dissolution of a sand mandala. The Lama spoke about attachments, I thought about herb. The day before I got acupuncture hoping for some fix, several pricks later and a bunch of Chinese herbs and still no effect. The acupuncturist spoke about my condition as a relationship. In relationships we often lose ourselves especially when the relationship is abusive. I am in day four of complete sobriety and let me tell you it absolutely sucks. It's like I just broke up with my lady and all I can do is be bummed all day and stay awake all night. Last night my wife went out and I was left with the kids, I immediately went to the stash only to find that my dear wife took everything and hid it! Oh dude, I was crushed. Akin to having to take a big shit and struggling to get to the bathroom, only to find someone occupying the only stool. I told my wife that I'm so miserable that I'm really to go to the Western Med doctor and say hook me up with whatever it takes to get me through just another day. Her response is I rather you smoke herb than take pharmaceuticals. Great, but I'm one who can't just enjoy it now and then, I need it 24/7! I thought about a change of jobs to somehow renew my spirits and energy, so I got a line on this sweet job via the "good ole boy network". I requested an application and sure enough when it arrived it came with a form to submit to drug testing!
I can't let go and I can't hold on, if the thunder don't get ya' then the lightening will!
So now I'm taking Chinese herbs around the clock and feeling like shit, I'm depressed, bored, restless, and jonesing. I wonder if I'll still feel this way by next week, probably not but in the meantime I'm just one big irritation. I found an old picture of a group of us getting high in a oversized shower back in 1990 and the Carson,CA Dead shows. I do not own music that doesn't make you want to get high, so whenever I play music, I jones. I had a call from a long lost friend who wants to come by and see me, I haven't seen him since the Dead touring daze. It's a tough break up and always be reminded of the relationship, perhaps the day will come when we can reunite again. As the acupuncturist said, you don't have to break up, you just need to find balance,....easy for him to say!

Well the First Days are the Hardest Days

I realized, despite the high ambitions of going sober and without herb, it's just not a practical reality. I've been using herb daily since roughly 1985,...that's twenty years! Some of those years I would count as using hourly, not just daily and then of course there was two significant phases of sobriety,...trying to get a job in Oregon where I thought for sure they would test me and when I got a job and they asked me to simply sign a paper saying that I was drug-free, boy was I pissed (no pun intended). Then after Brent from the Grateful Dead died and they ended up with what's his face, Vince and the tunes like Long Way to Go Home and Samba in the Rain, I decided that the Dead contributed to my drug use and since they were at the time sucking even on drugs, I took a break from both and skipped out on the 91' West Coast tour.
So I rationalized to partake every other day, as a start,..really that in itself is a difficult feat, especially on those days I refrain.
On the flipside all this herbal brain food I've been taking has made a difference in my ability to cognitively redefine life itself. I've gone from Tigger to Pooh. And on a funny note, I have a phone consultation with a doctor who once was Jerry Garcia's doctor. It's funny because I can tell him the truth and he won't be all bad trippin' the herb, I wonder how I square up ole' Jerry. Sure does put things in perspective, give me five I'm still alive, ain't no luck learn to duck.

Relax

So I was given some time to chill at home as a part of our attempts to reduce stress and renew myself. I found myself in the last couple days listening to a lot of Neil Young, Elvis, and James Taylor. I saw the pattern, all the musicians struggled throughout their careers with their own addictions and here I was feeling their pain, feeling the jones. I poured out all my herb,...no not down the drain,...but rather on a table. I admired the various nugs in the sunshine, even outside the herb was stinky and a bit sticky, I couldn't resist, I got out the bubbler and tried to create my own Amsterdam scene. Outside table under the shade of the bright and beautiful day, iced green tea, bubbler and a small heap of Northern Cali green bud with James Taylor singing,

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again
So look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way

I never quite heard that song in this context before, forget Jesus I just can't make it through another day. I picked out the best bud and proceeded into a serious session. I hadn't puffed like that since I had a puffing buddy. Pancake and I would eat macrobiotic foods and puff to a point of no end. We would lay on the floor and listen to listen without saying anything, perhaps the closest I would ever get to an opium den.
I took an intermission from the session and went inside to do something, I didn't know what I got up for but there I was looking around the house for a reason. I saw the dishes were stacked high so I started washing dishes, then I washed some clothes and started doing a bunch of domestic chores while I pounded the green tea. I was back to my old self, get high produce get high produce no time to waste barely time to think. An hour later, I came back outside to the table where I started. I couldn't continue, the point was to relax. It was the chicken or egg thing, is the herb making work and keep busy or is the work keeping my desire to get high? Either way it didn't matter, I think I learned that it is extremely hard for me to relax and stop doing. So I got on the trip of being instead of doing. I filled the inflatable raft outside with water and laid down in it soaking up the sun, forcing myself to relax.

Strugglin' Man

I'm a strugglin' man and I've got to move on,......but what happens when you are sitting on a half ounce of kind bud and choose to take a break? I can't take knowing that I have all this herb as I'm trying to not get high, it's torture!! I know herb is not physically addictive but I simply cannot sleep without and I can't stop thinking about what shall I do with my current herb stash. Bottomline, it's easier to quit when you are out and have no smoking utinsils. How did I get to this place? I'm just miserable. I think I remember this feeling when I stopped 6 and a half years ago. Of course, after I realized that I wasn't going to get drug tested, I still got high now and then but pretty much stopped for a few months. I thought about smoking the entire amount in one sitting like what I've heard people do to kids when they get caught smoking cigarettes. It would be a challenge even for a pro like me. Of course I could blend it all up and make one batch of Bhang and/or brownies. I would probably just get so high that I would fall asleep and stay asleep for a day or two. Then I think of all those jonesers right now wishing they had just one bonghit, and all my friends who would surely take this heavy load of me. The more I talk about it the more I just want to say,...excuse me while I light my sliff, ohhh man I've gotta take a lift,...although if I could sleep tonight it would represent a completely sober day,...I guess since it's 12:30am I technically spent my first day sober in over years! Let's celebrate! Where's the bong!?!

New Herbs

I can't figure out if I'm sick or just strung out.

Now I can blog my new intake:
100mg of 5-Hydroxytryptophan (Supports serotonin synthesis)
3 Dropper full of Tincture of Pharma Kava (Promotes relaxation and reduces stress)
2 Dropper full of Tincture of St. John Wort (Promotes positive mood)
3 Dropper full of liquid Melatonin (The all-natural nightcap)

and one hit off the pipe,.....I can't seem to be able to spend a day off work and NOT think about work without getting high. Also it's very hard for me to drop the herb just like that but that is the direction. I want to be able to take it or leave it versus feel like that is the only thing that can make me feel present and pleasant.

It's going to be my new journey, let's see where it takes me,....so far it pretty much sucks!

Seratonin

So I discovered that users who turn pro early in their lives mess up their brain's abillity to produce seratonin. Primarily because psychoactive drugs mimic seratonin, and when your getting high all the time, your brain thinks,"why bother with producing seratonin?" Seratonin by the way, makes you feel good, like taking five straight bonghits. So what little seratonin my brain makes naturally is quickly depleted, on weekends that just means wake and bake, during weekdays that means I turn into type A dick and I'm jonesing to get high by the time I get home. Feeding my brain herb works, but it doesn't really address the seratonin production issue. I'm going to try to find a way to get my brain working again at producing seratonin. I'll try to reduce my stress which depletes the seratonin, I'll eat well and get good sleep each night. I'll spend time alone for my own down time and take up Yoga.
Of course I picked a hell of a time to try this out, I'm sitting on well over a 1/4 ounce of good herb and harvest time is right around the corner! If I don't feel a marked difference in one month then fuck it, I'll be back at getting high 24/7!

Next Step

After spending the weekend under the influence of poppy tea and endless bonghits,...Monday came around. Monday's are frightening. I'm constipated from the poppies and I feel like throwing up continuially. This is not to mention the whole world seeming not real, like some bad independent movie which I am one of the stars. I go through the motions sensing a real disconnect. It's survival at best. No amount of tea in the world can pull me out of the dreamlike qualities of a Monday. I panic over money, I panic over career moves, I panic over the endurance, I panic over being known as someone I'm not.
I call a counselor and right over the phone she asks if I'm depressed. I told her it makes me depressed for someone to think I'm depressed and even if I were depressed, it would make me more depressed to take antidepressants. I hate conselors because they make you reflect n patterns and habits. I filled out the form she sent and it made way too much sense, you need to lay that big spike down. Sad but true, I can't go on like this forever, I must be worthy of imitation for the sake of my children. I can't keep saying the bong is a flower vase, considering I pay so much attention to it without ever putting flowers in it. So I have three choices: keep doing what I've always been doing, go sober completely, or switch to more socially accepted drugs like pills and booze. This sucks but so does hitting rock bottom. I could be like The Band, the dude from The Far Side, Steinfield, and others who quit at their peak. I assure you all I will not get hooked on Jesus. He was a cool dude in Birkenstocks but not my savior.

Jahjahfue

I saw a T-shirt someone was wearing,...it said," I love(heart) Vicodine" I don't really care for Vicodine but I did think the shirt was awesome. Which led me to Bubba's suggestion of Jahjahfue T-shirts. What would it say? I love Ganja - jahjahfue. How about "Team jahjahfue?" or "who feels it knows it,...jahjahfue"
The weird thing is that the word fue in Spanish means he/she left or has gone. Jah meaning God to some, together with fue,...we are talking about God is gone and or better yet, Jesus has left the autorium. Where did Jahjahfue come from? I think I heard Alpha Blondie sing out, "jah jah fue!" and it just stuck. You kind of have to smoke herb and know Spanish to get a sense of what jahjahfue means. But that's all literal.
Figuratively, what does jahjahfue mean? Perhaps it is the spirit of getting high with the spirit herb allowing us to exit the current reality. What does it mean to you?

Listen to Pink Martini

Family on brownies creates this Independent film quality reality. Strange at times, quite entertaining overall, and nothing personal. Meanwhile, my dear wife is suffering from the wine induced relatives who know what you need, what you should be doing and exactly how you need to discipline your children. For full effect I put on Pink Martini full blast and share that I love everyone and that I'm grateful that there are people out there who love our children. I'm entertained but after the brief announcement, they go back to everyone talking and nobody listening. My wife comes to me and says, "how many brownies have you had?" I think she must have seen the dent I put in the bag of brownies or perhaps she thought I was getting too out there for the mainstream crowd. I reply, "In the last hour? or cumulative daily totals?"
That's the beauty of Visine, no one knows your high, especially if you are pro, and can take the wallop of a couple brownies in your system without fully losing your ability to make sense. The next thing I see is my dear wife popping a brownie down herself! Yikes! Babe! It was too late, another victim of the social comparison theory. Just because I eat three at a time doesn't mean anyone can handle one whole one. Que Sera Que Sera whatever will be will be. Within a half hour, my wife's defensive mechanisms relaxed as she laughed off the numerous family suggestions that would benefit her. In the end, we were baked silly and they were madly tanked and it made all the difference.

Serious Brownies

With another round of relatives I had to make some ganja food to survive on for three days. So I decided to go with brownies. Problem was, I had no shake, just the crystally, kind kind, fresh, Nor Cal, crippler bud. Not really a problem per se, but it does hurt a bit to grind up the herb, knowing I'll never get to enjoy the flavor and aroma part. My man cringes when he hears me tell him that I grind up the herb.
Needless to say, there is a big difference in the effect between herb and shake when it comes to brownies. To illustrate, I licked the bowl as I waited for the brownies to cook, and by the time they were done I was so baked myself that I ended up eating a huge brownie due to the munchies (It was the very BEST brownie I had ever tasted!). The high was electric, it was late and I couldn't sleep until the wee hours of the night. I woke up the next day still high! For experienced users only!
Now with the freezer packed I'm geared up to a mega chillin' Labor Day weekend.
Jah Blessings!